Confession: I am a “Quality of Life” Lawbreaker.
Tonight, a friend and I went for burgers at Heartland Brewery in Union Square after finishing a workout at the gym. On the subway ride home, I decided to take the local train and read the paper instead of my usual route. It was bone-chilling outside and I wanted to stay as warm as humanly possible. Entering Brooklyn, we stopped at Court Street on the R line. Two officers boarded the train, approached me (as I was reading The Onion), and asked me to step off the train with them. Never one to disobey law enforcement, I followed.
The first officer, affecting a lilting Caribbean accent, informed me softly that I had committed a “summonsable” offense and asked me to sit down. I could hardly hear him and kept asking him to repeat what he was saying. Needless to say, I was in total disbelief as he explained to me that propping my feet up on the seat in front of me was a violation of the “quality of life” code of the subway…
… which would cost $50.
After he’d delayed me twenty minutes and I’d missed the next two trains home, he finally finished filling out my paperwork. In the time that it took him to complete the summons, four other officers had appeared and had pulled four other people off the subway to write them similar citations. As if 3.5% city tax, 4.5% state tax, and my federal taxes don’t pay enough people’s salaries to fix potholes in the roads on which I don’t drive.
At this point, I struck up a conversation with three of the officers, asking general questions. I would like to share what I learned, for the sake of the general public:
1) I asked the officers if they cite tourists. Answer: Yes.
2) Apparently, to ticket subway violators, you must wear a bulletproof vest and carry no fewer than one handgun.
3) I expressed my sympathy to the officers that they had to do this, as opposed to fighting “real crime.” They voiced their agreement in the affirmative.
4) This particular infraction, according to my Caribbean officer, is not specifically named in the posted list of infractions. Rather, it is included in a “catch-all” statement that apparently exists at each subway kiosk. Congratulations, 90% of NYC’s English-as-a-second-language population: The good news is that you’re screwed.
5) Police officers will suggest that since you’re relatively new to the city, you may not have a realistic view of crime because you possess a Missouri ID.
6) Police officers will then laugh whole-heartedly when you fake a Southern accent in mockery of the fact that you used to live on the South Side of Chicago for four years and are insulted that they think NYC is a dangerous place.